"Transform adversity into opportunity, overcome obstacles, and rewrite your story"
Co-Parenting with a demanding full-time job and all the kids' activities is like juggling flaming torches while walking a tightrope—it's a balancing act that leaves you constantly teetering on the edge of chaos. For years, I struggled to find balance between work, social obligations, and most importantly, quality time with my kids. But then, I stumbled upon a game-changing strategy that turned everything around: reverse scheduling. Let me paint you a picture of my old life: work emails, 'urgent' calls and requests from clients at all hours, rushed dinners, and promises of coffee dates with friends that never materialized. Meanwhile, my marriage and children were getting the short end of the stick and were unintentionally relegated to the leftover fragments of my time and attention. In my backward mind, my clients and everyone outside of the home 'needed' me and only I had the ability to serve them. At least thats the story I told myself. That all changed after my separation when I adopted reverse scheduling. The concept is simple yet profound: block off time for your top priorities first, and let everything else fall into place around them. For me, that meant that after my primary employer's schedule my kids came first—no ifs, ands, or buts. First a caveat, I have a unique job where I travel out of town 4 to 12 days per month and when I am not on the road I have the ability to work from home. My aim is to maximize my time with the kids and make the most my 50/50 co-parenting schedule when I am 'in town'. Fully adopting reverse scheduling may not fit into your unique life or circumstance but feel free to pick and choose the parts that may work for you. My Scheduling Priority List: (Yours may be different depending on your work schedule) 1. Primary Employment Schedule (Mon-Fri 9-5, Shift Work, Out of Town Travel or whatever pattern you may work) 2. Time that the kids are not at school including sports and activities. 3. Time for my Partner 4. Self Employment (Side Hustle) 5. Friends & Acquaintances 6. Hobbies & Other Personal Activities Note: I am still working on solidifying where fitness and self-care fit in that list. On the weekdays that I have my kids, I reserve the hours between 6 am and school drop-off at 9 am exclusively for my children, meaning that they are actually a standing 'appointment'. We start our mornings together before the hustle and bustle of school begins. After school, from pickup at 2:30 pm until bedtime at 9:30 pm, belong entirely to them (another standing appointment). Homework, coaching their sports teams, activities and family dinners, have become the new norm. My weekends with them are entirely devoted to quality time. No work emails, no social obligations—just us, attending their sports and other activities while making memories and enjoying each other's company. But what about work? And what about those elusive coffee dates with friends? Enter the beauty of reverse scheduling: While everything gets dropped when my primary employer send me out of town, my personal clients and friends use my online scheduling service to book time with me around my children's schedule. It was a bit awkward at first, sending out scheduling links and explaining that my kids came first, but the results were well worth it and all those seemingly empty "we should get together sometime" offers actually became a reality without the need to go back and forth trying to find a time that works. Friends and clients understood that my time was precious and respected my boundaries. And as for work, I found that I was actually more productive when I had dedicated blocks of time to focus on my tasks, knowing that my children's needs were being met first. The key to making this all work is being diligent in keeping the calendar up to date. Every appointment, every block of time with the kids and every obligation needs to be entered into the calendar and kept up to date. The side effect of all this is that the time that you do have available for others becomes that much more valuable and you'd be amazed how selective you become in filling it. I learned that my unlimited availability in the past was of a story that I had told myself about being needed, feeling important and looking for validation and satisfaction by being available to everyone except those that needed me most. (See Article: How Busyness & Avoidance Led to Divorce) Reverse scheduling flipped my world upside down in the best possible way. Instead of trying to fit my kids into the leftover scraps of my life, they became the cornerstone around which everything else revolved. And you know what? Since doing this, my relationship with my kids and boundaries with my time for others have become so much stronger. I wish I would have done this sooner!  In the relentless hustle of daily life, it's all too easy to drown out the whispers of discontent within our own homes by immersing ourselves in a whirlwind of activity. For me, busyness became a refuge, a shield against the uncomfortable truths simmering beneath the surface of my marriage. Little did I know, this avoidance would pave the path to the earth shattering end of a 14 year relationship.
Working overtime, launching a non-profit, starting a business and hosting a weekly podcast - these were more than just endeavours; they were lifelines I clung to in hopes of filling the void left by unmet needs at home. The adrenaline of success and the validation of achievement became addictive, offering temporary reprieves from the emotional turmoil brewing within the walls of my own home. Friends and colleagues would often ask how I managed to do so much and still maintain a family. While I thought that I was some kind of superhero they rang the bells of what would eventually come to pass. Beneath the facade of productivity, cracks began to form. Unresolved conflicts lingered, conversations were left unsaid, and a growing sense of disconnect seeped into the very core of my marriage. Instead of addressing these underlying issues, I buried myself deeper in busyness, convinced that the busier I was, the less time I would have to confront the uncomfortable truths lurking beneath the surface. As I poured myself into these external pursuits, I unwittingly distanced myself further from my spouse, seeking solace in the validation of external achievements rather than the intimacy of our relationship and quality time with my kids. The lines between work and personal life blurred, leaving little time or energy for the meaningful connections at home. The demise of our marriage was marked by the slow erosion of trust, understanding, and love. For me, busyness had created a false sense of security, blinding me to the reality of our crumbling relationship. For my partner, my busyness created the space to seek connection elsewhere. In the aftermath of divorce, I was left to grapple with the harsh truth – that busyness had contributed to the unraveling of my marriage. It had allowed me to avoid the hard conversations, the uncomfortable confrontations, and the painful truths that could have saved us from our eventual downfall. But amidst the wreckage, I found hope in the opportunity for growth and self-discovery. I learned that true connection requires more than just shared experiences or a marriage certificate; it demands vulnerability, honesty, and a willingness to confront the hard stuff, even when it's uncomfortable. Today, I carry these lessons with me as I navigate the complexities of parenting and relationships. No longer hiding behind the illusion of busyness, I embrace the messy and imperfect parts of life, knowing that true fulfillment comes not from avoidance, but from facing the hard stuff with courage and resilience.  Coaching is all about supporting people in solving their problems or reaching their goals. Those challenges take so many forms, from career and relationship challenges to supporting clients in better understanding their values and what is truly important to them. Last Wednesday was no different except it ended with a pile of broken auto glass at a gas station!
The fuel gauge on my truck was at 1/4 and I had just finished my meeting in Blaine, Washington. It seemed like a good time to grab some gas and take advantage of lower gas prices in the United States before making the 20 minute drive back across the border into Canada. I pulled into pump number 6, swiped my card and began filling my tank. There was a gentleman at the pump in front of me in a small white, two door pick up truck. I watched as he hung up the fuel nozzle and closed his driver's side door from the outside. This was followed by a horrified look on his face and an audible "awwww fuck!". I could tell from 30ft away that he had locked his keys in his car. I finished fuelling my truck, walked over to him and asked if there was anything that I could do to assist him. The conversation went something like this: ME: Locked the keys in the car, eh? (Typical Canadian ending to a question) HIM: Yep, I'm an idiot ME: Is there any way I can help? Would you like me to try and pull on the top of the door so that you can slide something in there? HIM: Do you have a tire iron or something hard that I can use to break the back window? I was a little taken aback here, this wouldn't have been my first option but the Coach in me knew that this was not my problem to solve, it was my place to work the problem with him. ME: Are you sure? I can call a tow truck for you and they can pop the lock. HIM: I don't have time or money for that, it will cost me less to replace the small back window. ME: How much do you think a tow would cost? HIM: Probably $50 ME: Ok, If I paid for the tow truck to come pop your lock instead of watching you bust your glass would you take me up on that? HIM: I really have places I need to be. ME: Are there any other options here? HIM: Do you have a tire iron? At this point I went back to my truck, pulled out a steel tire iron, handed it to him and watched as with two blows he broke a window and unlocked his door. This was painful to watch but I knew that I had done all I could without making it my job to fix his problem. He was a grown adult, I held him capable of making his own choices but was sure to support him in considering all options along the way. There was only one thing left to do. I went into the gas station and let the staff know that there was some glass on the ground next to pump number 7. This folks, is the coaching mindset. We don't always agree with those that we work with but we support them in their journey ensuring that they are confident in their next steps even if those steps wouldn't be our own.  A playful text message between Coach & Client. I recently had a coaching session with a client. We were having a conversation about communication and working on letting go of the need to control situations. During our conversation they mentioned how the simple things are indicators of larger trends. One example that they used was: In the spirit of curiosity, I found this statement to be fascinating. While I couldn't necessarily relate to this specific example It stuck with me all day. So here we are, writing a blog post surmising what our butter spreading tendencies say about us as a person. I do take confidentiality very seriously and received permission from my client to write this blog post. Their only request being that they get a cut of the royalties! I really do appreciate their playfulness around what is something that could be considered deeply personal. One such seemingly trivial act is buttering toast—a mundane task carried out by many each morning without a second thought. However, upon closer examination, the way we butter our toast can offer a glimpse into the deeper aspects of our lives. Let's explore how the way you butter your toast may be a reflection of how you approach and live your life.
The Spreader vs. The Patcher: Imagine two individuals at breakfast. The first one, let's call them the "Spreader," takes the butter knife and smoothly glides it over the entire surface of the toast. Every inch receives a perfect layer of butter, evenly distributed from edge to edge. The second person, the "Patcher," takes a different approach. They sporadically dab bits of butter onto the toast, leaving some areas bare and others with a concentrated amount of butter. The Spreader: Precision and Order The Spreader approaches life with a sense of precision and order. They tend to be methodical in their endeavours, ensuring that every task is completed meticulously. The Spreader values consistency and evenness, striving for balance and harmony in various aspects of life. They may be inclined towards planning, organization, and attention to detail, valuing structure and predictability. The Patcher: Flexibility and Creativity In contrast, the Patcher thrives on flexibility and creativity. They embrace spontaneity and adaptability, thriving in situations that allow them to think outside the box. The Patcher is comfortable with imperfections and doesn't shy away from taking risks. They may enjoy exploring new experiences and finding unique solutions to challenges that come their way The Generous Spread vs. The Minimalist Touch: Moving beyond technique, the amount of butter applied also offers insights into one's approach to life. The Generous Spreader: Abundance and Generosity The Generous Spreader believes in abundance and indulgence. They liberally slather their toast with a generous amount of butter, emphasizing a desire for richness and enjoyment in life. They may have a generous spirit, sharing their time, resources, and love with others. The Generous Spreader often seeks pleasure and embraces the motto of "more is more." The Minimalist Touch: Simplicity and Moderation On the other hand, the Minimalist Touch represents simplicity and moderation. The Minimalist applies a thin layer of butter, recognizing that a little goes a long way. They find contentment in the understated and appreciate the beauty in simplicity. The Minimalist Touch individual may prioritize minimalism and intentional living, focusing on what truly matters and avoiding unnecessary clutter or excess. Closing Thoughts While buttering toast may seem insignificant, it can serve as a powerful metaphor for how we approach and live our lives. The Spreader or the Patcher, the Generous Spreader or the Minimalist Touch—each approach offers unique perspectives and insights into our values, attitudes, and preferences. Taking a moment to reflect on our toast-buttering habits can provide a gentle reminder to embrace the diversity of human experiences and recognize the intricate connections between even the most mundane aspects of our lives and our broader existence. So, the next time you butter your toast, consider the significance behind your chosen technique and amount. It might just unveil a fascinating reflection of your life's choices.  Last week I was running to Home Depot to grab a few things for a home project. I had my kids in the back seat and was a man on a mission. I pulled into the parking lot from the street and about 20 meters into the parking lot is where other cars that are exiting the parking lot make a left turn across my lane to get to the street.
I wouldn't call myself an aggressive nor a defensive driver. I just try to stay aware of my surroundings and make a solid effort to not hit things. That said, I have a low tolerance for negligence and stupidity. As I approached the 'intersection' within the parking lot I noticed a vehicle approaching the stop sign, the driver slowed, looked right and rolled through the stop sign right in front of me. I saw it coming and hit the brakes as to not T-Bone him. My initial reaction was one of anger and frustration. I honked my horn, threw my hands in the air and said a few things that the kids probably shouldn't repeat. The other driver completed the left turn and stopped parallel to my truck facing the opposite direction. We both rolled down our windows and rather than uselessly swearing at him I said "C'mon man you didn't even look left." This is where the magic happened! Rather than engaging with me, flipping me the bird, making an excuse or apologizing he simply said "Thank you for stopping". In that moment, with four simple yet sincere words this seemingly irresponsible vehicle operator became a gentleman and stripped me of my perceived power, anger and frustration. With four simple words he completely disarmed me and left me speechless. All I could think was "ok, you win". I unloaded the kids, walked into Home Depot and bought what I needed but for the rest of that day and honestly, the rest of the week, that moment kept replaying in my mind. The subject of my anger and frustration became my teacher and the person that wasn't paying attention taught me something and gave me a beautiful gift and a tool to use in the future to deescalate tension or conflict. In hindsight, I made a quick judgement when he didn't look left, I created a story in my mind about what kind of person he must be. The truth is, I know nothing about him or why in that moment he was distracted and didn't see me coming. Perhaps he just received difficult news, perhaps he was tired or just had a momentary lapse. What I do know for certain is that in that moment, by remaining calm and with four simple words he showed me grace and became the person who controlled the outcome of the situation.  Failure is a word that often carries a heavy weight, evoking feelings of disappointment and self-doubt. However, it's important to remember that failure is not the end; it's merely a stepping stone on the path to success. In this blog post, we'll explore the transformative power of overcoming failure, and how it can shape us into stronger, wiser individuals ready to conquer new heights. 1. Embracing the Growth Mindset: Failure as a Launchpad The first step in overcoming failure is to embrace a growth mindset—a belief that intelligence and abilities can be developed through dedication and effort. Understand that failure is not a reflection of your worth or potential, but an opportunity to learn, grow, and evolve. By adopting a growth mindset, you can view failure as a launchpad for personal and professional growth. 2. Reflection and Self-Discovery: Unveiling Valuable Lessons Instead of dwelling on the disappointment of failure, take a moment to reflect on the experience. What went wrong? What could have been done differently? Through introspection, you can uncover valuable lessons that failure has to offer. These lessons will equip you with newfound wisdom and insights to navigate future challenges more effectively. By embracing a growth mindset, reflecting on lessons learned, building resilience, reframing perspectives, seeking support, and persisting through challenges, we can overcome failure and emerge stronger, wiser, and more determined than ever before. 3. Building Resilience: Bouncing Back Stronger
Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks and challenges. Overcoming failure is a testament to your resilience, as it requires the courage to face adversity head-on. Cultivate resilience by focusing on your strengths, nurturing a positive mindset, and embracing the belief that setbacks are temporary. With resilience, you'll find the strength to rise above failure and continue pursuing your dreams. 4. Embracing Failure as Feedback: Reframing Perspectives Rather than viewing failure as a final judgment, reframe it as feedback. Each failure provides valuable insights into what works and what doesn't. Embrace failure as an opportunity to adjust your approach, fine-tune your strategies, and make necessary improvements. By shifting your perspective, failure becomes a constructive tool for growth and continuous improvement. 5. Seeking Support and Learning from Others: You're Not Alone During times of failure, seeking support from others can make a world of difference. Surround yourself with a supportive network of family, friends, mentors, or coaches who can offer guidance, encouragement, and valuable insights. Learn from the experiences of others who have faced similar challenges and emerged stronger. Remember, you are not alone in your journey, and shared wisdom can illuminate the path forward. 6. Persistence and Perseverance: The Road to Success Overcoming failure requires persistence and perseverance. Remember that success is not an overnight achievement—it's the result of continuous effort and unwavering determination. Stay focused on your goals, set realistic expectations, and break down big challenges into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate progress along the way, and let each small victory fuel your motivation to keep pushing forward. Closing Thoughts: Failure is an inevitable part of life's journey, but it doesn't define who we are or what we're capable of achieving. By embracing a growth mindset, reflecting on lessons learned, building resilience, reframing perspectives, seeking support, and persisting through challenges, we can overcome failure and emerge stronger, wiser, and more determined than ever before. Remember, the phoenix rises from the ashes, and you too can rise above failure, embracing success with open arms. So, embrace the lessons, my friend, and let failure become the catalyst that propels you towards a future filled with triumph and fulfillment.  In the realm of professional aspirations, we often find ourselves holding back, hesitant to go after what we truly want. Fear of failure, self-doubt, or the lack of a clear roadmap can leave us feeling stuck and unfulfilled. But fear not! With the power of coaching, you can break free from these limitations and unleash your full potential at work. In this blog post, we'll explore the importance of daring to dream, and how coaching can be the transformative tool to help you pursue your goals with confidence and purpose. 1. The Power of Clarity: Unveiling Your True Desires Coaching provides a supportive environment where you can explore and clarify your professional aspirations. Through introspective exercises and guided discussions, a coach helps you uncover your true desires and passions. By gaining clarity about what you truly want at work, you set the foundation for a purpose-driven career journey. 2. Breaking Through Limiting Beliefs: From Self-Doubt to Self-Belief Limiting beliefs can be significant roadblocks on the path to achieving our goals. Coaching empowers you to identify and challenge these beliefs, replacing them with empowering perspectives. A coach acts as your ally, helping you reframe negative self-talk and cultivate a mindset of self-belief. With renewed confidence, you'll be ready to overcome obstacles and seize opportunities. Coaching is a transformative tool that empowers you to clarify your aspirations, challenge self-limiting beliefs, set goals, develop essential skills, and overcome obstacles. 3. Goal Setting and Action Planning:
Charting Your Course Once you have a clear vision of what you want, a coach assists you in setting SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound). Together, you develop a strategic action plan to navigate the steps required to reach your objectives. A coach provides guidance, accountability, and helps you stay on track, ensuring you make progress towards your desired outcomes. 4. Skill Development and Growth: Unlocking Your Potential Coaching is not limited to goal setting alone; it extends to skill development and personal growth. A coach helps you identify areas for improvement and develop strategies to enhance your professional abilities. They provide valuable feedback, suggest resources, and encourage you to step out of your comfort zone. With this support, you'll unlock your full potential and become a force to be reckoned with in your chosen field. 5. Overcoming Challenges and Celebrating Successes: The Journey Continues The journey towards your career goals is not without its challenges. During difficult times, a coach serves as your sounding board, offering guidance and strategies to overcome obstacles. They help you develop resilience, maintain focus, and navigate through setbacks. Moreover, a coach celebrates your successes, no matter how big or small, ensuring you acknowledge and appreciate your achievements along the way. Closing Thoughts: Don't settle for a career that leaves you unfulfilled. Dare to dream and take action towards achieving what you truly want at work. Coaching is a transformative tool that empowers you to clarify your aspirations, challenge self-limiting beliefs, set goals, develop essential skills, and overcome obstacles. With a coach by your side, you'll embark on a purpose-driven journey, unleashing your full potential and creating a fulfilling and rewarding career. So, go forth with confidence, my friend, and let coaching be your compass as you navigate towards the professional success and satisfaction you deserve.  In today's fast-paced world, finding a balance between work and home life can be a constant challenge. Juggling professional responsibilities, personal commitments, and self-care often feels like a delicate tightrope walk. However, one powerful tool has emerged as a game-changer in helping individuals achieve harmony: coaching. Let's explore the transformative power of coaching and how it can help you strike a balance between your work and home life. 1. Identifying Priorities and Setting Goals: Coaching begins with an essential step—identifying your priorities. A skilled coach helps you gain clarity about what truly matters in your life. By understanding your core values and aspirations, you can establish meaningful goals that align with both your professional and personal life. Through coaching, you'll learn how to set achievable targets and create a roadmap to success. 2. Time Management and Productivity: One of the biggest challenges in balancing work and home life is managing time effectively. A coach can help you develop strategies and techniques to optimize your productivity. They will assist you in identifying time-wasting activities, streamlining workflows, and delegating tasks when necessary. With improved time management skills, you'll find yourself more present and engaged both at work and at home. Remember, achieving balance is not about dividing your time equally; it's about integrating your personal and professional life in a way that aligns with your values and brings you fulfillment. 3. Boundary Setting and Saying 'No':
Establishing clear boundaries is crucial for maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Many individuals struggle with saying 'no' and end up overcommitting themselves. A coach can help you set boundaries, both in your professional and personal life, ensuring that you have dedicated time for yourself, your loved ones, and your passions. Learning to prioritize and decline non-essential tasks or responsibilities can be liberating, allowing you to focus on what truly matters. 4. Stress Management and Well-being: Constantly feeling overwhelmed and stressed can take a toll on your well-being, affecting both your work and home life. A coach provides guidance on stress management techniques, helping you build resilience and develop coping mechanisms. They can introduce mindfulness practices, encourage self-care routines, and support you in adopting a holistic approach to well-being. By taking care of yourself, you'll have more energy and vitality to invest in your professional endeavors and personal relationships. 5. Communication and Collaboration: Effective communication is vital for maintaining work-life balance. A coach can help you improve your communication skills, enabling you to express your needs, concerns, and boundaries effectively. They can also provide guidance on navigating difficult conversations and fostering collaboration in the workplace. Enhancing your communication abilities will not only improve your professional relationships but also positively impact your interactions at home. Closing Thoughts: Balancing work and home life is a continuous journey, and coaching can be a powerful ally in this pursuit. By working with a coach, you can gain clarity on your priorities, enhance your time management skills, establish boundaries, manage stress, and improve your communication abilities. Remember, achieving balance is not about dividing your time equally; it's about integrating your personal and professional life in a way that aligns with your values and brings you fulfillment. Embrace the power of coaching, and unlock the potential to live a more harmonious and fulfilling life. |
AuthorRyan Van Haren is a father of two, Career Aviation Professional, Consultant and Executive Coach. 
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